For the first 2 years, I just held on. For dear life. I barely held it together. I cried a LOT and talked to my husband because he could always reassure me and comfort me. I called my mom all the time. I cried. I stressed. Oh, it was not a good time.The MRI of Wyatt's brain at just 1 day old showed pretty significant abnormalities. But no prognosis could be made. It ripped me to shreds, knowing that he was different, but not knowing what the heck that meant for him. For us. For our future. I'm sure I was dealing with some PPD issues as well. I was a MESS every other minute.
In the really early days, Bugg seemed to be just like your typical newborn. He ate and slept and grinned. He was chubby and bald and cute and.......a baby.
3 months old - love the rolls!But as he got older, the more we noticed he was NOT doing. He didn't look at us. Bugg seemed to always be staring into space. He grinned, he laughed, but it was at random times. And then we noticed his lack of head control and not grasping toys. My turmoil increased as I realized that it was really happening. The whole "special needs" thing was coming to life. And that's when I started to get reaaaaallly freaked out about the future. It made me sick. I trained myself to NOT think about it. I couldn't handle it. My heart was so broken and I just couldn't take it.
I suppose I could allow myself to feel a lot of sadness, thinking back to those days. Did I waste that time with my sweet baby? Did I love him? Did I have fun with my growing 2 year old? Did I.....this, that, and the other like a real mother should???!!! I look through these old pictures and see all the fun stuff we did, the celebrations, parties, quiet and happy moments at home.....and it makes me feel much better.
4 months - the patch
2008 - 20 mos.I think all the pain I went through helped me to get to this amazing and full and joyous and celebratory place that I am now. I HONESTLY feel so happy to have Wyatt just the way he is. Even though I know that he will never leave home and that Brian & I will always have to care for him. But I love it. I love it so much. It doesn't make me sad anymore.
I really adore the thought of making Valentine sugar cookies in the kitchen with Bugg at my side.......even when he's 50. And waking up each St. Pat's Day morning with a green shamrock sticker on his cheek! Driving through the Autumn canyon, collecting leaves to decorate our house. Doorbell ditching May Day baskets. Sharing a bowl of oatmeal every morning. Sleeping under the Christmas tree. Going to parades. Wiping his chin and cleaning his glasses. Serving my boy all my live-long days.
I am grateful (GRATEful!) to be able to celebrate this special life. The journey became awesome once I started to see Wyatt as Wyatt, and not a child with a brain anomaly and special needs. The whole world became a new & fresh palette to me. My eyes started seeing even the simplest things, as such grand and beautiful gifts from God. "Celebrate" became a daily motto.
Does this mean I never feel sad or down or depressed? Heck, no.....
I still get down in the slumps occasionally. And I still cry. I think it's good to feel every once in awhile. Feel the emotion, then be done with it and the world is always brighter afterward. I talk to my Hunk. I call my mom. I craft. Bake cookies. Go shopping for a new skirt. Open the blinds and let the sunshine in. Throw an un-birthday party. Go out for cupcakes. Take pictures. Blog! There are so many good things that help me when it's dark. I'm blessed. Amen.
Whew, gooooood question, anon. Thanks!
And I realized that there's more answer to give to a previous question: Was I afraid to have another child after Wyatt?
See the following picture story of my lil' Ella Rooski....
To most, this is probably no big thing. Yay, she went down the slide, whoop-woo. To me, it is soothing and amazing and therapeutic and delightful on a high high level to see my girl do this by herself! It is so much fun to rejoice in her milestones. This time around, I take nothing for granted. Life's incredible, hands down!(For the record, these pics were taken over a month ago. Right now, there's a blizzard warning. Well, welcome Winter, you little rascal!)
I'm thoroughly enjoying these latest posts, Bree. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I love the picture of Rooski going down the slide and THANK YOU for calling me. I love you.
ReplyDeleteTHANKS for your answer, I am the anon who asked it. :) (don't have an account)
ReplyDeleteMy 7 yr. old has NF1 and I spend the year after we found out in a complete haze of sadness. I still find myself there sometimes, it's hard not knowing what the future holds for our kiddies. I loved your answer though, thanks! :)
This was beautiful to read. And I relate to so much of it. I "get" the joy you have in Ella's little achievements - Avery is my oldest child, and the effort she has had to put into every little achievement has only made me appreciate every tiny thing even more, even with my "normal" children. Things that a lot of parents take forgranted or even complain about, like having to chase after a new toddler etc. I truly think that Avery's life has infused every part of my own life with a joy I wouldn't have had without her.
ReplyDeleteWhat a joy it would be to wake up every morning to Wyatt's sweet face. I love your posts Bree. Happy Holidays!
ReplyDeleteI think that the first years are so tough that they help us to enjoy, truly LOVE, the following years. I honestly feel so LUCKY and BLESSED to have Emily as my daughter! To know what she fights through every day and with a smile on her gorgeous face ... it's awesome.
ReplyDeleteSeeing Ella do such a "typical" little kid though, and knowing that you don't take a moment of it for granted. It's overwhelming.
Blogging is incredible. How else would I have found you and so many others, who are living my life. Feeling my emotions. Typing what my brain could say! :)
I hear ya! And now with my second special needs child, I have been able to skip a lot of the mourning and fear and just enjoy her (for all of 2 days at home now) and occasionally throw a tantrum and take a nap.
ReplyDeleteWow it has been amazing to read these posts, I feel as though you wrote all my feelings down :) I remember the first couple of Caleb's life, I was just trying to "fix" him, I didn't want to be ONE of those mother either. I guess we all have to travel down that road of acceptance of our guys. How grateful I am for the things he teaches me daily. Every day is a new lesson in patience.
ReplyDeleteI love these q&a posts! Really having to think about an answer... And type it all out, must be therapeutic in and of itself!
ReplyDeleteIt's truly amazing how much we all have to celebrate when we all choose to stop and smell the roses. Miracles unfold all around us. With our special needs kiddos, with there siblings, we have something to celebrate every day around here! If only everyone could be this LUCKY!
*their - sheesh... My blog readers have to be forgiving of my typos, I don't mean for your readers to have to be too!
ReplyDeleteI can relate so much with this post too? I should just start saying Ditto to all your posts. :) I love the way you addressed the good and bad. You are making your children's lives magical. You have a special gift. I wish you could bottle and sell it to all the moms of the world. :) Have a WONDERFUL Thanksgiving!!!
ReplyDeleteYou really have a way with expressing yourself. And you've done so well at finding joy in life. It's something I still struggle with. I hate my babies growing up (not really, I love them as they are now, but I just wish that "baby" stage could last a little longer, like 3 or 4 years! :)), but now, sometimes I just get so tired of having a baby still. And then I feel horrible for saying that. And then when she waves at a stranger in the store (YEAH for waving!!!!) I find that joy again and love that I still have a baby.
ReplyDeleteI too am pretty scared to have another baby. After Katie, I was pretty sure we wouldn't have anymore. Not that I wouldn't love another special needs baby, I just don't know if I could do it (there's that self-doubt rearing it's ugly head again!) But thankfully the Lord knows me better than I do, and when she was about 1 1/2 planted the knowledge that another baby is supposed to come into our lives. And if it's the right plan for us, I can't wait to experience the joy and healing that Ella has brought into your life. And if we're blessed with another special baby, then I will love and find the joy in that situation as well.
I needed to read this post today because I've been feeling a little down lately. I really need to focus more on the good things, and less on the difficult.
I love that you keep it real. Really REAL! And I love that you have embraced this life, this beautiful, amazing life that you have. I certainly would do it over in a heartbeat...over and over again. Yup. And I'm hoping soon I'll get another chance. xo
ReplyDeleteI think it is so wonderful that you're taking and answering these questions. It must be incredibly therapeutic to write your responses, and it's such a great thing for you to be documenting.
ReplyDeleteI think it's amazing that even though those first couple years were so painful and sad for you that you've been able to embrace the joy of the situation and celebrate everything. What if it had taken you 10 or 20 years to get to this point?! It seems like a huge gift and blessing to have this perspective now while you're all so young!
I know just how you must have felt when they gave you a "diagnosis" for Wyatt. My heart just about shriveled up when we found out about Kingston. Don't you ever just feel so blessed to have such a sweet spirit as part of your family? I know I sure do. I keep telling myself that I would not know true joy without the trials I have been given and for that, I am thankful. You are an inspiration to many. Thank you for sharing.
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