How do you get through the times when you feel helpless and sad for Wyatt's future? (asked by anon)
For the first 2 years, I just held on. For dear life. I barely held it together. I cried a LOT and talked to my husband because he could always reassure me and comfort me. I called my mom all the time. I cried. I stressed. Oh, it was not a good time.
The MRI of Wyatt's brain at just 1 day old showed pretty significant abnormalities. But no prognosis could be made. It ripped me to shreds, knowing that he was different, but not knowing what the heck that meant for him. For us. For our future. I'm sure I was dealing with some PPD issues as well. I was a MESS every other minute.
In the really early days, Bugg seemed to be just like your typical newborn. He ate and slept and grinned. He was chubby and bald and cute and.......a baby.
3 months old - love the rolls!
But as he got older, the more we noticed he was NOT doing. He didn't look at us. Bugg seemed to always be staring into space. He grinned, he laughed, but it was at random times. And then we noticed his lack of head control and not grasping toys. My turmoil increased as I realized that it was really happening. The whole "special needs" thing was coming to life. And that's when I started to get reaaaaallly freaked out about the future. It made me sick. I trained myself to NOT think about it. I couldn't handle it. My heart was so broken and I just couldn't take it.
I suppose I could allow myself to feel a lot of sadness, thinking back to those days. Did I waste that time with my sweet baby? Did I love him? Did I have fun with my growing 2 year old? Did I.....this, that, and the other like a real mother should???!!! I look through these old pictures and see all the fun stuff we did, the celebrations, parties, quiet and happy moments at home.....and it makes me feel much better.
4 months - the patch
2008 - 20 mos.
I think all the pain I went through helped me to get to this amazing and full and joyous and celebratory place that I am now. I HONESTLY feel so happy to have Wyatt just the way he is. Even though I know that he will never leave home and that Brian & I will always have to care for him. But I love it. I love it so much. It doesn't make me sad anymore.
I really adore the thought of making Valentine sugar cookies in the kitchen with Bugg at my side.......even when he's 50. And waking up each St. Pat's Day morning with a green shamrock sticker on his cheek! Driving through the Autumn canyon, collecting leaves to decorate our house. Doorbell ditching May Day baskets. Sharing a bowl of oatmeal every morning. Sleeping under the Christmas tree. Going to parades. Wiping his chin and cleaning his glasses. Serving my boy all my live-long days.
I am grateful (GRATEful!) to be able to celebrate this special life. The journey became awesome once I started to see Wyatt as Wyatt, and not a child with a brain anomaly and special needs. The whole world became a new & fresh palette to me. My eyes started seeing even the simplest things, as such grand and beautiful gifts from God. "Celebrate" became a daily motto.
Does this mean I never feel sad or down or depressed? Heck, no.....
I still get down in the slumps occasionally. And I still cry. I think it's good to feel every once in awhile. Feel the emotion, then be done with it and the world is always brighter afterward. I talk to my Hunk. I call my mom. I craft. Bake cookies. Go shopping for a new skirt. Open the blinds and let the sunshine in. Throw an un-birthday party. Go out for cupcakes. Take pictures. Blog! There are so many good things that help me when it's dark. I'm blessed. Amen.
Whew, gooooood question, anon. Thanks!
And I realized that there's more answer to give to a previous question: Was I afraid to have another child after Wyatt?
See the following picture story of my lil' Ella Rooski....
To most, this is probably no big thing. Yay, she went down the slide, whoop-woo. To me, it is soothing and amazing and therapeutic and delightful on a high high level to see my girl do this by herself! It is so much fun to rejoice in her milestones. This time around, I take nothing for granted. Life's incredible, hands down!
(For the record, these pics were taken over a month ago. Right now, there's a blizzard warning. Well, welcome Winter, you little rascal!)
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- ► 2011 (106)
- festivities, freezing, & fevers
- make the ordinary EXTRAordinary
- holding on
- seizures & hot wheels
- digging a bit deeper
- taking questions!!!!
- scenes from Sundays
- a public notice to my HUNK
- a game: name the silhouette
- the King's quarters
- we took it outside
- a trick up his sleeve
- Enjoying your Fall?
- you may quote me if you like
- Hallow's Eve
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